It is 3 am…

Actually it is now 9 am.  I woke up at 3 am this morning and couldn’t sleep.  I just passed my Clinical Vignette Exam yesterday and am now a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  I sat down and wrote a very long blog post and realized it was for no one but me.  It was about the past, what I’ve been through and my life up until now.  After writing it, I realized that what matters is where I am right now.  I am licensed, I am living my life, and I have more options now than I ever thought I’d have.  Life is moving forward and I’m moving with it.  The anxiety is gone; the contentment is here.

…and I’m utterly alone.

I saw the opera, Simon Boccanegra, at the local HD movie theater tonight by myself.  I sat there and realized that I’m utterly alone and will end up dying that way.  I thought about what that means and whether or not it is good or bad or inbetween.  I decided that it simply is what it is and nothing more than that.  It reminds me of that saying, “You are unique, just like everyone else.”  It is true, we are all unique in our own way and we will all die alone, even if someone is right there beside us comforting us the whole way.  Death is death.  For me, it is what it is and nothing more than that.

What struck me about this was that I didn’t feel sad or depressed about this realization.  What came to mind is that it would be a peaceful way to go and that there is no reason to hang on to the needs and desires lying on my deathbed.  I have them now because I am still trying to find a way of letting go and may never achieve that goal.  The fact that there is a way to let go of them is enough for me right now and I’ll continue working on being less attached and less driven to have or hold onto “things” instead of just enjoying them in the present.

As a geriatric therapist, I tend to work with a lot of people who are, obviously, older in life and dealing with existential issues regarding death as well as the usual therapeutic problems.  Working with this population has, I hope, given me some insight into the meaning, or lack of meaning, in life.  As far as I can tell, we go through life, live it the best we can, hope we don’t cause too much destruction or have too many regrets, and then let go and hope that we have done a good job.

At the end of Simon Boccanegra, the main character dies from poisoning.   Before this happens, Simon is able to be forgiven by his archenemy and to forgive his other enemy.  He also gives his blessings to his daughter and his former enemy to marry in peace. I think he feels that life is short and that people do the best they can and forgiveness is actually the way to salvation and freedom.  What does this mean to me?  I am not a parent so I won’t leave behind any kids to continue my line or my way of being and I’m content with that.  Simply stated, I will die some day and I’ll be remembered by some, forgotten by most and it will be what it is and nothing more than that.  And for that, I am thankful.

Linear vs circular spectrums

What I get out of my belief system and mindfulness:

I am often asked by people about how to be happy in their job, their relationships and their life. My belief system is partially Buddhist but more so about mindfulness in general.  I have often looked for jobs, friendships and relationships that would be “the one.”  However, the more I look, the more I find that no matter how much I believe one job is better than another, one person is better than another or that “it” will allow me to be happy, it, and I am fallible.  We have every chance to be exactly who we are and what we are right now.  We are that job we don’t like, which someone else would love to have.  We are that person we hate, we are all those things that we despise.  We are all just atoms that dispearse back to some other point when we are finished with them.    We can play many roles and, I would suggest, life necessitates it.

I often talk to people who see their choices as a linear “spectrum” and see it as a flat line that goes in one direction.  There is black on one end and there is white on the other (or whatever).  I ask them to take the ends of it and bend it into a circle so they see that the opposites are very close together and can almost be interchanged.  I’m not saying that Bush and Obama are that close, but they are probably not that different when you look at it:  both human, both “male”, both work in politics, both think they are doing the right thing, both believe they are chosen to lead, etc.

Be willing to feel the fear in new adventures, to make mistakes, and to revel in the changes that result.

It is my responsibility to take the positive in me and let it flow into what I do.  If I don’t, I then encourage negative energy from other’s to build and take control of my life.  Look at  the Dalai Lama; he is constantly smiling.  I am consciously putting out that I want to smile and love life more.  I am open to experiencing all that may bring!

Peace and Contentment

I think I’ve been searching for peace and contentment for so long that it made me consistently anxious and ungrounded.  The worst part is, I don’t think I even knew what peace and contentment were.  If I had found it, I wouldn’t have known what to do with it.  In the last 2 years, I’ve been very blessed in many ways.  I have a fantastic family.  I’ve really grown to realize how much they love me and I love them.  I have a wonderful girlfriend and she has a wonderful daughter.  I have a job that I value and feel proud to go to almost everyday.  And, in the next 6 months, I am moving towards becoming licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

All of this has allowed me to feel content in a way that I never have before.  Up until a couple of years ago, I was constantly running, while feeling like I could never be safe.  It is not something that I really understood.  I did not comprehend how limiting this was.  I was always on the edge of running out of money, not having a stable place to live, and having to depend on my dad, my mom or one of my siblings to bail me out.  It was a pattern that I kept reinforcing with my immaturity but, for some reason, I didn’t see it that way when it was happening.  It was simply the only way I could figure out how to live.  I guess, to some degree, I felt that I was special and therefore didn’t need to have that boring 9-5 job like everyone else.  A friend of mine once said, “I don’t want to be one of those people who drives to work everyday in a steel coffin.” I sort of felt that I wanted to live the same way but, the difference is, he actually had a real job and didn’t have to have others take care of him the way I did.  Only now, at the edge of my 40th birthday with all the things that I’ve listed above occurring to me, do I realize how much that hurt me and my growth.

I guess the reason for this post is that I want everyone who has helped me become the person I am to realize that I appreciate them, their support and their love.  Again, I feel blessed.

Pondering the future, the present, and the past

I sit and question what family means in this day and age.  I look to the past and see how different we are compared to when extended families were the norm and most people lived with 3 or possibly 4 generations under the same roof.  I believe that this way of living together allowed for families to learn respect, support and togetherness in a way we are no longer enjoying.  Of course, there is always a shadow to look at when you are really attentive and being aware, and this is also true with families.  Having this many generations living together may have also allowed for more dysfunction, fear and trauma to occur in a much shorter and more overarching way.  We can ponder that problem during a more serious and less heartwarming post than what I intended during this holiday season.

My family.

I like the way that looks.  A simple sentence and a simple thing.

My family.

That is all there is, in a way, yet there is so much more.  My family includes my father, Michael, my mother, Judy, my sister Stacy, and my brothers, Robert and David.  If you extend it a little farther it also includes my step-father, Phillip and his son, Kody.  If you then extend it farther it includes my aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brother in laws, sister in laws and other people that continue outward into the human race.  Do I include my friends? Do I include my enemies?  Do I include people I have never met?  Do I include people that I will never meet?

I think of the Buddhist belief that we are all tied together and there truly is no self.  There is a classic saying “. . .that if a butterfly chances to flap his wings in Beijing in March, then, by August, hurricane patterns in the Atlantic will be completely different.”  Strangely enough this is often mistaken for Buddhist lore but in reality it was stated by an MIT meteoroligist named Edward Lorenz in 1906.  I find it interesting that science and Buddhism are, like distant families, actually so closely intertwined.

I believe that most of us, at least in the Western World, think of ourselves as more individual and fairly limited to a family connection.  I would suggest otherwise.  I believe that, if we examine families, we are all connected.  If you trace my DNA and your DNA back to a certain point, we all merge at that place.  According to the Christian story of Adam and Eve, all humanity descends from two people.  As we progress scientifically, I am interested to see what science surmises about our genetics and our connections to each other.

I think that is why I’m so fascinated by Buddhist belief and the style of thinking that the Dalai Lama uses.  He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “If Buddhism has a belief that science is not able to prove incorrect, then we should believe it.  However, if Buddhism has a belief, and science does prove it incorrect, we must discard it and take on a new belief.”  I think this is life affirming and magical.  I look at my past and wonder how much easier life would be if I could just learn, adapt and discard illogical,useless and harmful information and feelings instead of holding onto them and causing damage to myself, others and the universe.  Definitely worth pondering as we start the New Year.

Thoughts about life and listening

“There are two types of people in this world: those that listen and those that are waiting to talk.  Which one are you?”

This is a quote from a deleted scene in which Uma Thurman questions John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.  I really didn’t like this movie very much.  The violence, the anger and the almost comical way people died or were killed struck a very wrong chord with me.  I don’t know if movies can truly affect people’s behaviors.  But, I imagine people watching this and becoming innoculated to violence.  I heard a report on NPR this morning that there were 854 acts of torture on prime time tv this year.  Last year, 100.  That means torture has become more accepted.  The reasoning was that torture is spoken about so much with acceptance, that people no longer care if they see it on tv.  This is not a trend that I want to be a part of.

Back to the quote:  When I heard this quote, it moved me to think about my own actions and my inability to be present.  I often find that I’m not truly listening to someone else but waiting to find a place to jump in, state my point, and have it be more important than the other person’s.  This is something that I want to work on in my time on this earth.  I want to be truly present for others, to listen to what they are saying without prejudice or forethought about what they may be thinking, and not to feel pressured or anxious to state my own opinion.

During my beginning meditation class last month, I was able to be present enough to listen to each and every word my teacher was saying.  I experienced no foreward thinking or planning.  Each word came out of his mouth and my consciousness felt it at that moment in space and time.  The sentence itself was not the point, but to hear each word as an individual piece that would tie into something greater is what seemed to matter.  I was present, my teacher was present and I felt a great peace just because I was able to listen to exactly what he said when he said it without judgement.  It was very strange to feel at peace simply by listening.  But, it was a gift and I want that gift to continue in my life.

Lastly, “I have to admit, I am always waiting to talk, but I’m trying real hard to learn how to listen.”  That was the answer Travolta gave to Uma Thurman and I have to admit, I am very happy I was able to hear the message and not interrupt.

And now, a word from my mom…

My mom emailed me after reading my posts,  “i didn’t write this to post, but i am wondering if it important on a blog to have grammatical correctness? or check on typos? if so, i’d be happy to do that for you. though, if you read through it again, you would probably find them. old english teacher, what can i say?”

Just a bit of background on my mom:  She graduated from UCB and then got a MFA at Harvard (or as they say it on the East Coast, “HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAVARRRDDDD”).  Simply said, she is a fantastic writer and artist.

My mom’s comment let me realize something very special:  This is exactly what I was stating about my family and how we support each other.  My mother, who is busy doing her own art, writing her own books and living her own life, is willing to take the time out of her day to help me make my thoughts and words more reasoned and correct.  I specifically did not send this to her for corrections because that would ruin the moment, but just wanted to thank her publicly for her kindness and generosity.

I would also like to add that my brother Robert has mentioned before that I should write a blog because of my ideas and helped me start this one.  My brother David has helped me make the blog better and more easily accessible by putting on our family website.  My father was the one that many years ago came up with the idea of a family website.  My sister has always had faith in me.

I am humbled.

Tags: family, love, mom