Mea Culpa

Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that translates into English as “my fault”, or “my own fault”. In order to emphasize the message, the adjective “maxima” may be inserted, resulting in “mea maxima culpa,” which would translate as “my most [grievous] fault.

As I move closer to my 40th birthday, I am somehow compelled to look at myself, my beliefs, and my way of moving through the world. I grew up in an exceptionally loving family that showed emotion openly. The benefit of this was that I felt supported and loved by my family. My dad would be there to take pictures and my mom would be there to cheer us on. The negative was that the level of emotionality often resulted in fighting, yelling and personal attacks. We did not learn “proper boundaries” in the psychoanalytical sense. In the last year or so, I have been working on my boundaries, my sense of what I want to bring into this universe, and how I want to handle myself with others.

I used to be a rageaholic. I would blame others for my unhappiness and my not being the center of attention. This narcissistic wound was so deep that I had a hard time regulating my own emotions. I would lash out when I felt hurt. I would take things personally, then verbally attack the person that told me these things because of my inability to be objective about my perceptions. I was unable to differentiate between where I ended and others began so I was constantly anxious and depressed. I was judgmental of others because I needed to keep myself safe and protected. If I were not better than anyone else, then I was nothing. As Shakespeare wrote, “[Jealousy] . . . it is the green-eyed monster.” My eyes were deeply green for much of my life.

I took this persona on and I am moving through it as best I can. I remember raging at the government and constantly blaming the “others” (whether they be democrats or republicans or whatever) and how that allowed me to move through life angry, bitter and devoid of my own responsibility. My stepfather, Phillip, was a marine and a captain of a NOAA ship (they do the weather information for the government and scientific work on the oceans). He once told me, “You are the government and if you don’t take responsibility for what you dislike, it is your fault.” It took me quite a while to agree with this statement because I used all the excuses like, “Well, the lobbyists have paid them off”, “They won’t listen to us”, and “They don’t care.” I still battle with this but I think that I’ve turned a corner. I think Obama, whether you like him or not, shows us how to take responsibility for our actions and our words. We cannot constantly blame others for our situation and our view of the world. That is up to us alone.

I also used to rage against religion. I used to say, “If there is a god, why does he let this happen” and take it as there is nothing out there because of the choices of humans. I used to chronicle the litany of evil the Catholic Church brought down on the world as fact that there is no god. My family is Armenian and Jewish but we didn’t really practice religion. My mom’s parents were Devout Atheists, as I like to call them and Communists on top of that. My dad’s mom never talked about religion, though she came from a generation where many Armenian families were deeply Orthodox. That being said, Stalin and Hitler prove that atheists can be just as heartless as any religious institution. I’ve realized that it is we, humans, who bend words and take them out of context. Read the Old Testament, the Bible, the Qur’an, and what Buddha said…it is based on love. I may not agree with all of it, but these books are based on love. It is our choice not only to hear that love but to bring it into our life.

As some of you have seen on my Facebook pictures, I was in a horrible car accident when I was 4 years old. I thank each of you who left comments or thought about me as that hurt child when you looked at the photographs. In regards to that, I hung out with a friend of mine this weekend whose 3-year-old son is in Children’s Hospital. He has a very rare Juvenile Xanthogranuloma (a histiocytosis disease). It has completely closed his airway, taken his happy voice, and is spreading. After a tracheotomy, a port in his chest, a GI feeding tube, & many complications involving approximately five months of lengthy hospitalizations, Tanner is still facing 1-3 years of medical procedures & expensive hospital stays. His case is the only one in the WORLD like this that we know of. The company my friend worked for laid him off last year. He now has to rely on COBRA for health insurance and the grace of his church, his family and his friends to survive. His wife is a stay at home mom and they have two other children. This is someone that would have the right to be more bitter than I could ever imagine and yet he trusts in his faith and that things will work out. That is the beauty that faith, trust, and seeing love in the world, can bring.

I have thanked my family and Katia for all their support in the past but I have to add another: My friend Saul, who has helped me immeasurably by supporting me to walk down this difficult path. He has helped me learn to control my destructive thoughts and outbursts, to look inside and examine my motivations and needs, to state what I truly believe and be honest about it instead of sarcastic and underhanded. He has helped me to become who I am. He has helped me in learning to own my choices. He has shown me ways to stop patterns that offer no benefit in today’s world. I have learned you always have a choice, no matter what the situation. He has also introduced me to meditation. Saul, you have my profound gratitude. Namaste.

As I write this, I look back at all the people that I have blamed, all the names I’ve called others, and the pain for which I have been responsible. I do not regret one moment because I would not be the person I am now. I do apologize if I have hurt you. I apologize if my anger, resentment and jealousy hurt you so that I would feel bigger and more important.

If you would like to talk to me about something I have said in the past that might have hurt you, I will try to listen, as best I can, without judgment and with love.

Mea Culpa.