…and I’m utterly alone.
I saw the opera, Simon Boccanegra, at the local HD movie theater tonight by myself. I sat there and realized that I’m utterly alone and will end up dying that way. I thought about what that means and whether or not it is good or bad or inbetween. I decided that it simply is what it is and nothing more than that. It reminds me of that saying, “You are unique, just like everyone else.” It is true, we are all unique in our own way and we will all die alone, even if someone is right there beside us comforting us the whole way. Death is death. For me, it is what it is and nothing more than that.
What struck me about this was that I didn’t feel sad or depressed about this realization. What came to mind is that it would be a peaceful way to go and that there is no reason to hang on to the needs and desires lying on my deathbed. I have them now because I am still trying to find a way of letting go and may never achieve that goal. The fact that there is a way to let go of them is enough for me right now and I’ll continue working on being less attached and less driven to have or hold onto “things” instead of just enjoying them in the present.
As a geriatric therapist, I tend to work with a lot of people who are, obviously, older in life and dealing with existential issues regarding death as well as the usual therapeutic problems. Working with this population has, I hope, given me some insight into the meaning, or lack of meaning, in life. As far as I can tell, we go through life, live it the best we can, hope we don’t cause too much destruction or have too many regrets, and then let go and hope that we have done a good job.
At the end of Simon Boccanegra, the main character dies from poisoning. Before this happens, Simon is able to be forgiven by his archenemy and to forgive his other enemy. He also gives his blessings to his daughter and his former enemy to marry in peace. I think he feels that life is short and that people do the best they can and forgiveness is actually the way to salvation and freedom. What does this mean to me? I am not a parent so I won’t leave behind any kids to continue my line or my way of being and I’m content with that. Simply stated, I will die some day and I’ll be remembered by some, forgotten by most and it will be what it is and nothing more than that. And for that, I am thankful.
What an existential place to be in!
I think that coming to a place of acceptance in life - and death - is key….and it looks like you’re finding it. What is it that you need to let go of? What are the reasons you are holding on?
Hey Aram, I think your on to something. When your gone your gone. Just remember to enjoy yourself now. The present is what it’s all about. We are all really alone is true. It doesn’t matter what you have or if your with someone. We were brought into this world alone and we will exit alone. It’s all okay. We are just here for the ride. Hopefully we will be remembered by someone and we will have not been here to make at least, the slightest difference.
I sense an allegory in the opera. First, his name is Bocanegra: Black head. Not sure that that means in Italian culture, but it sounds like the literary device called “humor,” the use of a name as a symbol for a character’s personality.
I think the theme is for us to have peace in our souls when we die, we must marry (reconcile/synthesize) the daughter (the good part of ourselves and things we do) with the enemy (the evil parts of ourselves and the things we do). These are both internal and external. We cannot be at peace unless we marry them. The path to synthesis is to forgive oursleves the evil and not be or do those things again (a very Catholic idea: repentance, which means t have a change of heart).
For me, peace will be to leave this world with no regrets or unfulfilled projects. I worked on the former for years, and think I’m there– except where the unfulfilled project is a source of regret. I am working on the latter.
The latter took a lot of soul-searching. What are the essential projects? I think I know a good number, now, though realize I may not have unveiled all until the end of my life. Then, I must forgive myself for not completing everything, realizing we have only so much time in this life.
I also realize that our material lives are metaphors for our spiritual lives. They are linked, I believe. I seek to understand the meaning of my life’s story as I live it, forgiving and repenting myself the evil that I am and do and not repeating it. A bit Catholic and Buddhist, I guess.
Good topic, Aram. Thanks for sharing your thoughs and stimulating mine.
Thanks to everyone for your words and thoughts. What am I holding on to? I am always holding onto things, wether they be love, hate, happiness, sadness, etc. It is something I’m trying to learn to let go of and just accept as something that is impermanent. Definitely the Buddhist idea seems the most rational and realistic. I am on my path and finding my way each step. That is all i can do at this point.
Firstly, the word “utterly” is loaded with negative connotations, so don’t say it. You are alone. That’s enough.
Secondly, it’s true that you are alone and you will die alone, but you’ve also always been alone, and you made it fine up to now - solitude does not kill us, it makes us stronger.
Thirdly, and I wish I could remember where I read this parable, but it goes something like this. A wise man was asked, where does the flame go when a fire is put out? He replied, show me where the flame was before the fire ignited, and I’ll show you where it went. The point is, nobody is sad about not being here before they were born; likewise, there is nothing sad about not being here after.
Fourthly, and I once again don’t remember where I picked this up, but death is that state in which we exist only in the memories of the living. It’s not a bad state to be. People are fond of you and they will remember you fondly.
Lastly, and this one is all mine: we came from dust, we will return to dust, but in the meantime, let’s get MUDDY AS FUCK!