Mea Culpa

Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that translates into English as “my fault”, or “my own fault”. In order to emphasize the message, the adjective “maxima” may be inserted, resulting in “mea maxima culpa,” which would translate as “my most [grievous] fault.

As I move closer to my 40th birthday, I am somehow compelled to look at myself, my beliefs, and my way of moving through the world. I grew up in an exceptionally loving family that showed emotion openly. The benefit of this was that I felt supported and loved by my family. My dad would be there to take pictures and my mom would be there to cheer us on. The negative was that the level of emotionality often resulted in fighting, yelling and personal attacks. We did not learn “proper boundaries” in the psychoanalytical sense. In the last year or so, I have been working on my boundaries, my sense of what I want to bring into this universe, and how I want to handle myself with others.

I used to be a rageaholic. I would blame others for my unhappiness and my not being the center of attention. This narcissistic wound was so deep that I had a hard time regulating my own emotions. I would lash out when I felt hurt. I would take things personally, then verbally attack the person that told me these things because of my inability to be objective about my perceptions. I was unable to differentiate between where I ended and others began so I was constantly anxious and depressed. I was judgmental of others because I needed to keep myself safe and protected. If I were not better than anyone else, then I was nothing. As Shakespeare wrote, “[Jealousy] . . . it is the green-eyed monster.” My eyes were deeply green for much of my life.

I took this persona on and I am moving through it as best I can. I remember raging at the government and constantly blaming the “others” (whether they be democrats or republicans or whatever) and how that allowed me to move through life angry, bitter and devoid of my own responsibility. My stepfather, Phillip, was a marine and a captain of a NOAA ship (they do the weather information for the government and scientific work on the oceans). He once told me, “You are the government and if you don’t take responsibility for what you dislike, it is your fault.” It took me quite a while to agree with this statement because I used all the excuses like, “Well, the lobbyists have paid them off”, “They won’t listen to us”, and “They don’t care.” I still battle with this but I think that I’ve turned a corner. I think Obama, whether you like him or not, shows us how to take responsibility for our actions and our words. We cannot constantly blame others for our situation and our view of the world. That is up to us alone.

I also used to rage against religion. I used to say, “If there is a god, why does he let this happen” and take it as there is nothing out there because of the choices of humans. I used to chronicle the litany of evil the Catholic Church brought down on the world as fact that there is no god. My family is Armenian and Jewish but we didn’t really practice religion. My mom’s parents were Devout Atheists, as I like to call them and Communists on top of that. My dad’s mom never talked about religion, though she came from a generation where many Armenian families were deeply Orthodox. That being said, Stalin and Hitler prove that atheists can be just as heartless as any religious institution. I’ve realized that it is we, humans, who bend words and take them out of context. Read the Old Testament, the Bible, the Qur’an, and what Buddha said…it is based on love. I may not agree with all of it, but these books are based on love. It is our choice not only to hear that love but to bring it into our life.

As some of you have seen on my Facebook pictures, I was in a horrible car accident when I was 4 years old. I thank each of you who left comments or thought about me as that hurt child when you looked at the photographs. In regards to that, I hung out with a friend of mine this weekend whose 3-year-old son is in Children’s Hospital. He has a very rare Juvenile Xanthogranuloma (a histiocytosis disease). It has completely closed his airway, taken his happy voice, and is spreading. After a tracheotomy, a port in his chest, a GI feeding tube, & many complications involving approximately five months of lengthy hospitalizations, Tanner is still facing 1-3 years of medical procedures & expensive hospital stays. His case is the only one in the WORLD like this that we know of. The company my friend worked for laid him off last year. He now has to rely on COBRA for health insurance and the grace of his church, his family and his friends to survive. His wife is a stay at home mom and they have two other children. This is someone that would have the right to be more bitter than I could ever imagine and yet he trusts in his faith and that things will work out. That is the beauty that faith, trust, and seeing love in the world, can bring.

I have thanked my family and Katia for all their support in the past but I have to add another: My friend Saul, who has helped me immeasurably by supporting me to walk down this difficult path. He has helped me learn to control my destructive thoughts and outbursts, to look inside and examine my motivations and needs, to state what I truly believe and be honest about it instead of sarcastic and underhanded. He has helped me to become who I am. He has helped me in learning to own my choices. He has shown me ways to stop patterns that offer no benefit in today’s world. I have learned you always have a choice, no matter what the situation. He has also introduced me to meditation. Saul, you have my profound gratitude. Namaste.

As I write this, I look back at all the people that I have blamed, all the names I’ve called others, and the pain for which I have been responsible. I do not regret one moment because I would not be the person I am now. I do apologize if I have hurt you. I apologize if my anger, resentment and jealousy hurt you so that I would feel bigger and more important.

If you would like to talk to me about something I have said in the past that might have hurt you, I will try to listen, as best I can, without judgment and with love.

Mea Culpa.

Peace and Contentment

I think I’ve been searching for peace and contentment for so long that it made me consistently anxious and ungrounded.  The worst part is, I don’t think I even knew what peace and contentment were.  If I had found it, I wouldn’t have known what to do with it.  In the last 2 years, I’ve been very blessed in many ways.  I have a fantastic family.  I’ve really grown to realize how much they love me and I love them.  I have a wonderful girlfriend and she has a wonderful daughter.  I have a job that I value and feel proud to go to almost everyday.  And, in the next 6 months, I am moving towards becoming licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.

All of this has allowed me to feel content in a way that I never have before.  Up until a couple of years ago, I was constantly running, while feeling like I could never be safe.  It is not something that I really understood.  I did not comprehend how limiting this was.  I was always on the edge of running out of money, not having a stable place to live, and having to depend on my dad, my mom or one of my siblings to bail me out.  It was a pattern that I kept reinforcing with my immaturity but, for some reason, I didn’t see it that way when it was happening.  It was simply the only way I could figure out how to live.  I guess, to some degree, I felt that I was special and therefore didn’t need to have that boring 9-5 job like everyone else.  A friend of mine once said, “I don’t want to be one of those people who drives to work everyday in a steel coffin.” I sort of felt that I wanted to live the same way but, the difference is, he actually had a real job and didn’t have to have others take care of him the way I did.  Only now, at the edge of my 40th birthday with all the things that I’ve listed above occurring to me, do I realize how much that hurt me and my growth.

I guess the reason for this post is that I want everyone who has helped me become the person I am to realize that I appreciate them, their support and their love.  Again, I feel blessed.

Pondering the future, the present, and the past

I sit and question what family means in this day and age.  I look to the past and see how different we are compared to when extended families were the norm and most people lived with 3 or possibly 4 generations under the same roof.  I believe that this way of living together allowed for families to learn respect, support and togetherness in a way we are no longer enjoying.  Of course, there is always a shadow to look at when you are really attentive and being aware, and this is also true with families.  Having this many generations living together may have also allowed for more dysfunction, fear and trauma to occur in a much shorter and more overarching way.  We can ponder that problem during a more serious and less heartwarming post than what I intended during this holiday season.

My family.

I like the way that looks.  A simple sentence and a simple thing.

My family.

That is all there is, in a way, yet there is so much more.  My family includes my father, Michael, my mother, Judy, my sister Stacy, and my brothers, Robert and David.  If you extend it a little farther it also includes my step-father, Phillip and his son, Kody.  If you then extend it farther it includes my aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brother in laws, sister in laws and other people that continue outward into the human race.  Do I include my friends? Do I include my enemies?  Do I include people I have never met?  Do I include people that I will never meet?

I think of the Buddhist belief that we are all tied together and there truly is no self.  There is a classic saying “. . .that if a butterfly chances to flap his wings in Beijing in March, then, by August, hurricane patterns in the Atlantic will be completely different.”  Strangely enough this is often mistaken for Buddhist lore but in reality it was stated by an MIT meteoroligist named Edward Lorenz in 1906.  I find it interesting that science and Buddhism are, like distant families, actually so closely intertwined.

I believe that most of us, at least in the Western World, think of ourselves as more individual and fairly limited to a family connection.  I would suggest otherwise.  I believe that, if we examine families, we are all connected.  If you trace my DNA and your DNA back to a certain point, we all merge at that place.  According to the Christian story of Adam and Eve, all humanity descends from two people.  As we progress scientifically, I am interested to see what science surmises about our genetics and our connections to each other.

I think that is why I’m so fascinated by Buddhist belief and the style of thinking that the Dalai Lama uses.  He said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “If Buddhism has a belief that science is not able to prove incorrect, then we should believe it.  However, if Buddhism has a belief, and science does prove it incorrect, we must discard it and take on a new belief.”  I think this is life affirming and magical.  I look at my past and wonder how much easier life would be if I could just learn, adapt and discard illogical,useless and harmful information and feelings instead of holding onto them and causing damage to myself, others and the universe.  Definitely worth pondering as we start the New Year.

Thoughts about life and listening

“There are two types of people in this world: those that listen and those that are waiting to talk.  Which one are you?”

This is a quote from a deleted scene in which Uma Thurman questions John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.  I really didn’t like this movie very much.  The violence, the anger and the almost comical way people died or were killed struck a very wrong chord with me.  I don’t know if movies can truly affect people’s behaviors.  But, I imagine people watching this and becoming innoculated to violence.  I heard a report on NPR this morning that there were 854 acts of torture on prime time tv this year.  Last year, 100.  That means torture has become more accepted.  The reasoning was that torture is spoken about so much with acceptance, that people no longer care if they see it on tv.  This is not a trend that I want to be a part of.

Back to the quote:  When I heard this quote, it moved me to think about my own actions and my inability to be present.  I often find that I’m not truly listening to someone else but waiting to find a place to jump in, state my point, and have it be more important than the other person’s.  This is something that I want to work on in my time on this earth.  I want to be truly present for others, to listen to what they are saying without prejudice or forethought about what they may be thinking, and not to feel pressured or anxious to state my own opinion.

During my beginning meditation class last month, I was able to be present enough to listen to each and every word my teacher was saying.  I experienced no foreward thinking or planning.  Each word came out of his mouth and my consciousness felt it at that moment in space and time.  The sentence itself was not the point, but to hear each word as an individual piece that would tie into something greater is what seemed to matter.  I was present, my teacher was present and I felt a great peace just because I was able to listen to exactly what he said when he said it without judgement.  It was very strange to feel at peace simply by listening.  But, it was a gift and I want that gift to continue in my life.

Lastly, “I have to admit, I am always waiting to talk, but I’m trying real hard to learn how to listen.”  That was the answer Travolta gave to Uma Thurman and I have to admit, I am very happy I was able to hear the message and not interrupt.

And now, a word from my mom…

My mom emailed me after reading my posts,  “i didn’t write this to post, but i am wondering if it important on a blog to have grammatical correctness? or check on typos? if so, i’d be happy to do that for you. though, if you read through it again, you would probably find them. old english teacher, what can i say?”

Just a bit of background on my mom:  She graduated from UCB and then got a MFA at Harvard (or as they say it on the East Coast, “HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAVARRRDDDD”).  Simply said, she is a fantastic writer and artist.

My mom’s comment let me realize something very special:  This is exactly what I was stating about my family and how we support each other.  My mother, who is busy doing her own art, writing her own books and living her own life, is willing to take the time out of her day to help me make my thoughts and words more reasoned and correct.  I specifically did not send this to her for corrections because that would ruin the moment, but just wanted to thank her publicly for her kindness and generosity.

I would also like to add that my brother Robert has mentioned before that I should write a blog because of my ideas and helped me start this one.  My brother David has helped me make the blog better and more easily accessible by putting on our family website.  My father was the one that many years ago came up with the idea of a family website.  My sister has always had faith in me.

I am humbled.

Tags: family, love, mom

Throwing shoes and other unmentionables

I was reading some posts about the reporter that threw the shoes at President George W. Bush. My initial reaction was “Good, I just wish he had hit him in head or better yet, used a bullet.” Then I thought about my shadow. I believe that we all have a shadow and that if we don’t deal with our shadow, it will slowly kill us. I believe that Bush, or in all actuality, Bush’s mindset, is my shadow. His seemingly inability to care for others, think with an open mind or realize that he is the creator of the hatred and terror that he is afraid of is utterly destructive.

Simply said, Bush stands for everything I abhor. That is such a simplistic and easy answer. In reality it means that I need to examine myself and how I react when I am faced with opinions and ideas that are differnt from mine. I need to realize that, even if I think they are absolutely wrong, I need to find something that connects me with that person and their beliefs. If arguing and anger would have changed their minds, it would have already have happened. If love and acceptance can’t do it, at least I know I didn’t add to the distrust and anger in the world.

I look at all the different wars that have been fought through history and it saddens me. When people talk of the different wars, and why their were righteous, I tend to think of the “Christmas Truce” of World War I. There was a truce declared on Christmas Eve, 1914 when the Germans started decorating their trenches in Ypres, Belgium. The Scottish troops in the trenches on the other side responded by singing carols. Both sides continued singing to each other and then, amazingly, the soldiers came out of the trenches and shared gifts with each other. Eventually, the two “waring” sides played soccer and, it seems, became friends. The British Generals, Sir John French and Sir Horrace Smith-Dorrien vowed that there would never be another Christmas Truce. The reason? The soldiers actually stopped the war and the Generals had to bring in new soldiers because the soldiers no longer wanted to kill someone they knew as friends. The reason I bring this up is that when we see people as they are, instead of dehumanizing them, it is easy to see how immoral it is to hurt them. Everyone has a right to live and be treated with respect. I will try my best to do just that.

And away we go…

I just came home from my meditation class and we were pondering how to enjoy the holidays. I thought of the times when my family had tough times, either between personalities or some other problem and compared it to how wonderful our family’s place is now. There is a strong sense of love and compassion for each other and we tend to be honest and treat each other with respect. I feel very blessed to be a part of this family. We have all worked hard, in our own way, to become happy people and, I believe, to be givers and supporters of the world at large.

I was thinking of a quote that one of my meditation teachers, Meg Levy, said a couple of weeks ago, “If only death is certain, and time of death uncertain, how then shall I choose to live?” I feel this is an extremely powerful thought. If one only has an uncertain time to live, what shall you do and how shall you choose to live? I choose to live in the moment and attempt to be as open, trusting and true to myself as I can. It is not a perfect practice, but it is what I can do at the moment.